I ’d like to share a quick story: my daughter and I were forced to go shopping in Omaha; we were on a mission: I needed shoes. I’m not someone who enjoys shopping so when I make a special trip to Omaha, it ’s not to wander around aimlessly looking at everything, for hours, all day……I can’t believe some people look forward to whole days of shopping! I have a list and prefer to make as few stops as possible, I go early with a plan, I get what I need and I’m more than relieved to call it done.

It ’s a Sunday, right at noon and we are at our first stop: the shoe department in JCPenneys. It takes me a few short minutes before I find a couple of acceptable pumps to try on and I turn toward the salesperson for some of her expert assistance. She does not appear overly ambitious, however her eyes are open and she is chewing some sort of peppermint cud therefore consciousness could be confirmed. She ’s young, probably a sophomore in college, dressed nicely with a pair of slacks and top, she ’s cordial and briskly becomes more animated, once I get her attention. She immediately departs to the back to retrieve my initial choices while Justice and I sit in the chairs waiting and joking about something as we often do while attempting to enjoy our shopping trips because my demeanor is generally of the let ’s-get-it-over-with-already variety. Our young salesperson returns, squats down in front of us to set down the boxes of shoes, at the same time boldly and proudly revealing to us her lovely G-string or whatever you call that elastic band thing that seems to be passing for ladies drawers lately. My young, impressionable daughter turns to me with the same comically, open-mouthed expression as my own, each of us stifling a giggle in spite of ourselves. My grandmother used to shop in this store and here we are, forced to be spectators of this makeshift, private, hometown rendition of a Victoria ’s Secret runway show.

When I see girls and women with this version of panties hanging out out of their jeans on purpose, I constantly have to fight an irrepressible urge to reach out and pluck that piece of elastic away from the wearer ’s body and just let it fly, presumably resulting in a crisp, loud snap. When I was in high school and someone ’s underwear was showing….you know what they got….that ’s right: I believe the most common term was “Wedgie”….oops, too late, these girls walk around with one and don’t seem to mind it somehow. Why would anyone even bother anyway, it ’s just some thread and a tiny quilt square? How can that item of “clothing” be anything but a nuisance or an irritant and why should the rest of us want to see that?

While I’m ranting and showing my age by verbally dragging today ’s top (or bottom, depending how you look at it) fashions through the mud; I saw a funny commercial the other day about a girl who was confused when everyone at work was referring to her as “muffin top”, she didn’t get the joke. We’re talking about low-rider jeans and women who either buy them too small or are wearing a top that was made for jeans with a slightly higher waist line, there ’s no way the two could meet in the middle, if you know what I mean. I’m glad we are all embracing our bodies, shying away from that anorexic mold and showing off our womanly curves; but sometimes it can look like it must be painful to wear because it certainly is painful to watch. The natural, something extra, that a lot of us women carry on our waistline wasn’t meant to be strangled down low and forced to spill out over a denim restraint, creating that “muffin top” affect. Actually, when you think about it, that ’s how most men wear their jeans, is that the look we’re going for? Some sort of strange androgyny? Though your belly button ring is lovely and the artwork on the base of your backside is worthy of the Louvre….the men out there may disagree, but the rest of us truly do not wish to be exposed to it.

One more thing; this is just my view, but pajama pants and slippers are meant to be worn in the home. When did it become acceptable to wear our Pj ’s and fuzzy, filthy house shoes to the mall, or school or even to the Mini Mart? Put on a pair of jeans and lace up some tennis shoes….make an effort of some sort. Jammies are for sleeping…try not to appear as though you are sleepwalking through your life. You may argue that the pants are comfortable, but the rest of us see a person who is too lazy to even change their clothes once they roll out of bed. If you really love the draw string, the roominess of the pajama pant, and the convenience of the slip on/clog-type shoe; change your career to that of one in the medical field. That way you can call your look your uniform and have a perfectly legitimate excuse to wear them at all times and just say: “I didn’t have time to change, I just got off work.” It sounds so much more noble than having to say: “I didn’t have time to change, I just woke up.” Trust me.

I know what you’re saying; “Robin, you’re just jealous because you can’t wear those fashions.” Yes, that might have something to do with it, however, just taking a quick glance around; I don’t see that women of my size exclude themselves from the group that wear the above-mentioned fashions. I could lower my jeans, hike up my elastic waistband and buy my t-shirt two sizes too short if I chose to do so but you needn’t fear, my personal rolls of “something extra” will not be on display any time in the near future. As for the belly button piercing and the body art….I’ll just leave that one open for discussion. I’ve been known to try some trendy things at least once and I commend those who choose to express their artistic side that way, but if it were me; viewings would be by invitation only.

There is a spark of irony here, if you will allow me to point it out about myself….I remember the disapproving looks and astonished gasps when I used to take the scissors, unmercifully though creatively, to my perfectly decent sweatshirts during my “Flash dance” phase back in the ’80s. I strongly suspect that this is probably just a bit of cosmic payback. It ’s okay, I deserve it….”totally dude”.